Personal Growth and Practice

It is important to see the link between a life of value and a happy life.  

Do we spend our days doing things that perpetuate our unhappiness? Are we doing things just because we must have money and have no choice. Are we there because we are apathetic and lack the drive to try something else? Do we lack the self-belief and courage to try something new, something that could be better for us? Do we dislike ourselves? Do we feel distant from others? Do we feel that we cannot rely on ourselves or others or the world to make positive things happen? Do we secretly dislike ourselves? Do we unknowingly sabotage our own lives? Do we not believe that we deserve to be happy? Do we resent the happiness and success of others? Do we not want to be here anymore? 

The list of questions goes on. Many of these questions I have had to confront myself. Life is never a smooth path. Even if money is not an object for you, there will still be trails and pain along the way. Having money does not allow you to pay your way through lives emotional trauma. 

For me, (and this is still an ongoing process) the first thing I had to do was realise that I had problems, I then (with therapy) started to identify them and began the process of accepting that I had them. 

Some things were very surprising. I realised that I did not like myself, not only that I realised that I would periodically sabotage my own life because I did not believe that I deserved to be happy. This of course resulted in causing me great pain but also greatly hurt those people I kept closest to me. This went on for perhaps two decades, building in power and depth until the unhappiness within me was so deeply buried that it was truly corrosive to my entire life. 

Looking back, it is still difficult to think of the pain I caused others and myself. I’m still going through the processes of accepting and letting it go. On the surface I looked fine, but behind the mask it was in agony. Every thought would turn into a negative thought, every time I went to bed I’d worry, so much it created a physical reaction. Sitting in silence was very difficult because my mind would dwell on everything that I worried about. 

Things are very different now. I am not completely healed, but I see that life is like a project. One where we constantly address our problems as we evolve. Each day we strive to be better than the last. 

What helped was excepting that I had problems, forgiving myself (this was massive) and accepting what I had done and learning to love myself. I gave myself the opportunity to move on and realised that my biggest enemy was not the world around me but myself. I deserved better, my family and friends deserved better, the world deserved more. 

So, I’d say that it's important to have faith in yourself, to accept, forgive and love yourself. Understand that you are incredible and that you deserve the best. Once you do this, you will naturally give it back to the world. It’s a daily process but you’ll see once the ball gets rolling, you’ll see results, and it starts to get easier. Then, the happiness within you will rebound back into the world around you.  

For me it was a combination of Therapy and the practice of Tai Chi and Xing Yi that really helped. Having a safe place that was my own, where I could learn to develop and rely on myself was huge. I honestly think if all people studied these arts and meditated, the world would be a very different place. It teaches you to appreciate yourself and others and what starts as a study becomes a practice that is deeply rooted in who you are. It evolves with you throughout your life, growing in complexity and depth, as does your appreciation. 

Good mental and physical health to all of you out there!